THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED

-Wash a tree.
-Genuflect to Lawrence Welk.
-Knight yourself and some close friends.
-Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
-Flirt with an evergreen.
-Scare Stephen King.
-Give your cat a mohawk.
-Purr.
-Mow your carpet.
-Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings).

-Whine.

-Play Pat Boone records backwards.
-Re-elect Richard Nixon.
-Dress like your favorite heavy metal group...surprise your grandmother.
-Listen to a painting.
-Play with matches.
-Buff your cat.
-Raise professional racing ferrets.
-Paint your home...day-glo orange.

-Read Homer in the original Greek.
-Learn Greek.
-Change your mind.
-Change it back.
-Watch the sun...see if it moves.
-Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
-Paint your windows.
-Flash your goldfish.

-Smile.
-Paint a smile.
-Shoot at a fire hydrant.
-Apologize to it.
-See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
-Rotate your garden...daily.
-Plant a shoe.
-Write letters to all the political officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are doing...on April 1st.
-Sweat.

-Give a Rohrschach (ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
-Mix and match the parts.
-Turn your TV picture tube upside-down.
-Take your sofa for a walk.
-Write a letter to Plato.
-Mail it.
-Start.
-Stop.
-Dial 911...breathe heavily.

-Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
-Carry a tune.
-Drop it to see if it breaks.
-Starch your shoes.
-Contemplate a cockroach.
-Get a dog to chase your car.
-Let him catch it.
-Form a political party.
-Throw a political party.

-Climb a sidewalk.
-Ride a loaf of bread.
-Annoy yourself.
-Get angry with yourself.
-Stop speaking to yourself.
-Kiss and make up.
-Stand on your head.
-Stand on someone else's head.
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
-Read a Harlequin Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.

-Build a pyramid.
-Paint your teeth.
-Wear a salad.
-Speak with a forked tongue.
-MAKE a drive-in window at your local bank.
-Shave a shrub.
-Have a proton fight.
-Watch a car rust.
-Quiver.
-Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
-Learn to type with your toes.
-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
-Mail it to a friend.
-Be in the wrong place at the right time.
-Be someone special.
-Plot the overthrow of your local school board.
-Request covert assistance from the CIA.
-Factor your social security number.
-Take the fifth.
-Take the sixth.

-Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
-Join the Foreign Legion.
-Learn to write Sanskrit.
-Learn to read Sanskrit.
-Exist...existentially, of course.
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
-Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
-Print counterfeit Confederate money.
-Kick a cabbage.

-Take a picture.
-Put it back.
-Go back to square one.
-Sand a mushroom.
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
-Play solitaire...for cash.
-Abuse your patio furniture.

-Write a book about a previous life.
-Count to one million...fast.
-Have your cat bronzed.
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
-Revert.
-Sleep on a bed of nails.
-Don't toss and turn.

-Think shallow thoughts.
-Run around in squares.
-Boil ice cream.

-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels.
-Carve your girl/boyfriend's initials...in a marshmallow.
-Converse...with a flatworm.
-Speak in acronyms.
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
-Be a rabid Boxcar Willie fan.
-Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
-Calmly have a nervous breakdown.

-Give your goldfish a perm.
-Fly a brick.
-Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
-Exorcise a ghost.
-Exercise a ghost.
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people.
-Paint stripes on a lake.
-Ski Kansas.
-Wear a bowler...HAT, stupid!
-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.

-Apply for a unicorn hunting license.
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
-Do a good job.
-Crawl.
-Be a side effect.
-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
-Duck.
-Redecorate your garage.
-Develop a complex.

-Join the Army...be someone simple.
-Try harder.
-Hit the deck.
-Cut the deck.
-Make a deal with the devil...keep your fingers crossed.

-Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
-Be number six.
-Sit.
-Stay.
-Roll over.
-Play dead.
-Scheme.
-Sprinkle your family room.
-Cause a power failure.
-Pour instant concrete in your brother's waterbed.
-Give a lecture tour on the historical significance of cream cheese.
-Wriggle.
-Be cherubic.
-Debate politics with a fern.
-If you lose, stop watering it.

-Donate your brother's body to science.
-Join Hell's Angels by mail.
-Wander.
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
-Be a square root.
-Park your car...with a friend.
-Park your car...with a group of friends.
-Ask stupid questions.
-Spew.
-Surf Ohio.
-Go bowling...for small game.
-Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
-Hang it on the wall in your office.
-Staple.

-Solve the population problem (i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x).
-Contribute to the population problem.
-Interview a cloud.
-Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.

-Crumble.
-Crumple.
-Translate Shakespeare into English.
-Skydive...to church.
-Send the President an alarm clock...wind it up first.
-Do aerobics...in your head.
-Play cards with your swimming pool.
-Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
-Send your goldfish to obedience school.
-Pinstripe your driveway.

-Play "Kick the Fire Hydrant."
-Harness chipmunk power.
-Free the opressed toaster-ovens of America.
-Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
-Mug a stop sign.
-Change your name...daily.
-Go for a walk...in the attic.
-Challenge the neighbor kid to a duel.
-Find a witch.
-Burn her.
-Regress.
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.

-Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
-Boldly go where no man has gone before.
-Jump back.
-Play to lose.
-Scalp a VW.
-Be a threat to the American way of life.
-Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.

-Have your car painted plaid.
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization).
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third-world nation.
-Race turnips.
-Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
-Sharpen your sleeping skills.
-Put out a fire.
-If you can't find one, make one.
-Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember - you took the heat capacity of the first one).
-Make a life-sized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape Jell-o.

-Tree a goldfish.
-Get a college education.
-Bury your father's Nissan.
-Tell him the dog did it.
-Catch a falling star.
-Throw it back.
-Place your cat in hyperspace.
-Again tell your dad the dog did it.
-Corner the market on "Agnew in '76" buttons.
-Find out where all of those cylinders graduated from.

-Install handicapped access to the [your favorite pathetic baseball team]'s dugout.
-Kickstart your TV.
-Kickstop your TV.
-Perfect the internal combustion telephone.
-Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
-Make a list of things to do when bored.

Are we there yet?